Lately

These past few weeks I have been asking the Holy Spirit to help me see Jesus, really see Him for who He is.  I know this season we are going through is nothing compared to what our Lord suffered and gave for us.  As I look to Jesus through this struggle, I am humbled by the greatest gift I have in Him, a gift I will never deserve.  Jesus is it.  He is not our means to an end: our simple, happy little life.  He is our end; He is the goal.  I have realized that the longer I am a Christian the easier it is for me to forget about Jesus and not even realize it.  I seek the Lord and the Holy Spirit continues to sharpen me, but rarely do I come back to Jesus and really let what He did for me and what He gave for me sink in.

Jesus is God who chose in humility to live the life none of us would ever choose to live.  He was poor, had no home, no one understood Him, He was lonely, He was tempted by Satan, hungry, rejected over and over again, falsely accused, spat upon, beaten, ridiculed, mocked, and died the worst possible death.  And He chose to do it to set us free, free from our fear and unbelief.   

 

I was telling a good friend about this last weekend and she said, “I remember when I first became a Christian, I was so in love with Jesus and the gift that He is that I said to Him, while standing in my kitchen one night, that I would do anything for Him. And I meant it, Jenn.  That’s how much He meant to me.” 

 

I think about my struggle with unbelief and I am reminded of what my friend said so many years ago, so in love with her Lord.  This is where we need to be.  We need to come back to our First Love.  We need to see Jesus for who He really is; our end, our everything.  Once we see, really see, we too will be in this place, we too will be able to say, “I will do anything for You.  I will undergo anything for You.  I will suffer anything for You.  You are my joy and my end.”



One day I will get to see my Lord with my own eyes and will wrap myself in His embrace.  On that day, nothing else will matter.  All the money issues, all the job stresses, the illnesses, the pain and hurt of relationships, it all won’t matter anymore.



This is the hope we have in Him.

 

“Set your hope wholly and unchangeably on the grace that is coming to you when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:13).

Grace

John and I have joined a new small group and had to share our stories on Thursday. I wanted the group to know what this past year has been like for us, so here is a summary of what I shared . . .

It has been a little over a year since John has been unemployed. He had an interview three weeks ago and last Tuesday we found out he did not get the job. The days that followed were the hardest for us. We are both tired and ready for this season to end but God isn’t yet and we do not know why. It is easy for us to assume that God is withholding a job because we do not know what else He is doing in this.

We absolutely know how blessed we are and we have not forgotten all that God has given us and how He continues to provide right now so that we can pay our bills, eat everyday, and raise our little girl.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to watch my husband struggle. He wants a job where he can make good money so that we don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck, so I don’t have to work full-time, and so we won’t have to put the kids in daycare. I know this desire to provide and take care of us is good. I just don’t know why God has not honored it.

In January, we started praying and fasting that God would give us eyes to see what He has for us. I was inspired to pray this after reading Daniel 10 and the story where Elisha asked the Lord to give his servant “eyes to see” in 2 Kings 6:15-18. We began asking the Lord to show us if we are missing something or if John is pursuing the wrong job.

We have been asking the same thing over and over again since January and we have not heard anything. There are so many times this has caused us to wonder if we are doing something wrong. We do not want to waste our time hoping and pursuing something that is not God’s will.

Something I have been learning through this struggle is that it is easy for me to trust God when things are well, when life is easy. Maybe it is because I don’t really need to trust Him at all. But when times are difficult and I do not have any answers, when there are no explanations for the waiting, for the disappointment, I find it harder to trust Him.

I find myself right there with the Israelites in Exodus 16. They walked in a circle for 40 years and God provided for them everyday. And yet, some of them still horded the manna. And in that, they said, “God, I know you provided for me yesterday, and I know you provided for me today, but I’m not sure you will provide for me tomorrow.”

When John and I started asking God to bless us with more children, I had no idea it would be such a struggle. Finally, after 10 months, we received this blessing and I remember thinking, “Okay, this is God’s timing, so I know He will give John a job before this baby is born.” But then, last Tuesday, I found myself wrestling with the thought “What if God chooses not to provide a job for John before this baby comes?”

The truth is I have never been more desperate for God than I have been this past year. And I have never been more desperate for the Word of God. I cannot tell you how many times I have picked up my Bible and asked, “Lord, what do you have for my heart today?” and He led me to

1 Peter 4:17 “Trust Him! He knows what He’s doing!”

Isaiah 7:10-11 “Ask for a sign from your God. Ask anything. Be extravagant. Ask for the moon!”

Psalm 119:65 “My troubles turned out all for the best — they forced me to learn from your book.”

Ephesians 1:8 “[He] provided for everything we could possibly need.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is enough; it’s all you need.”

That last one, God brought to me two weeks ago. I remember reading it and thinking, “Really? Do I really believe this?” I realize that God’s grace is the only certain thing I have. With the recent passing of a good friend’s husband, I was reminded that I have not been promised tomorrow, that John has not been promised tomorrow, and there is no guarantee that I will see my daughter grow old.

Grace is my only certainty; so it has to be enough.

And this past year has been full of God’s persevering grace. He does not give up on me and my faith. He gives me grace to get through every good day and every difficult day. It is only by His grace that I am able to get out of bed each morning and pick up Elle and change her and feed her and marvel at her.

I know it is only by God’s grace that we have made it through this year and continue to wait for Him to come through for us. And I know that this is where He wants us to be. We need God. We need Him desperately. We have no other options. We cannot rely on our own ability to get John a job. With every job he applies for thousands of others have submitted applications. And with every job he has interviewed for, hundreds of others are also being interviewed. It’s up to God to show us the way. Just like the Israelites in Exodus 14, with Pharaoh’s army on one side and the Red Sea on the other, we are waiting for God to come through for us.

Last week, as I was praying and seeking the Lord in the disappointment, I thought of my husband. No matter what kind of day he has or what kind of rejection the week may bring, he always delights in his little girl. As I was thinking of this, I heard the Lord say to me, “In the same way, I delight in you. No matter what.”

The Empty Chair

There was a man who had given his heart to the Lord that really struggled in prayer like we all have. He was talking to a buddy of his one day just sharing his frustration. His friend suggested that he go home, take an empty chair, sit across from it and have a conversation with his Heavenly Father.

Four years later, the man was stricken with cancer and asked his daughter to call a pastor to come pray for him. His daughter asked a traveling minister to come and pray for her father. The minister knocked at the door, the daughter answered and lead him down this long hallway to the sick man’s bedroom. As the minister walked into the man’s room, he looked to the left and saw an empty chair. He just assumed the sick man was expecting him. When the sick man saw the minister looking at the empty chair he said, “Would you please close the door, what I am about to tell you, I haven’t even told my daughter.” And then he told the minister what his friend had told him four years ago. And he said, “I have spent two hours a day for four years, sitting across from this chair having a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I’ve absolutely loved it. I have been able to come to Him as myself and have realized that I have a Father in heaven who loves being with me.”

A couple of days later, the sick man’s daughter got up went into her dad’s bedroom and he told her a corny joke just like he always did and then kissed her on the cheek. She went and did some grocery shopping and later came home, walked into her dad’s bedroom and found that he had passed away. She called the traveling minister who had come and prayed for her dad and told him what had happened but she said, “There is something I don’t understand, maybe you can help me.” She said, “When I walked into my dad’s bedroom, I found him on his knees, with his arms around an empty chair.”

This is what the Father is inviting us into. He wants us to LOVE being with Him. And to know how much more He loves just being with us.

“The stars do not move You.  The waves can’t undo You.  The mountains in their splendor, cannot steal Your heart.  This God who is holy,  perfect in beauty, matchless in glory, is ravished by my heart. ”

This is unbelievable to me.

We Don’t Have Forever

For small group last night, our leaders asked each couple to come up with a list of 5 – 10 things we want to instill in our kids before they become adults.  Then they gave each couple a little jar of beads.  The beads represent how many weekends we have left to instill truth in our kids.  The jar they gave us has one bead for every weekend we have with Elle before she turns 18.  Every Saturday, we are to take one bead out of the jar.

 

Here is the list of the five things John and I want to teach Elle before our jar is empty.

 

Beauty – she is beautiful, desireable, all together lovely — stick thin and big boobs does not equal real beauty or desire from men — her heart is where real beauty is found — Jesus is beauty — we want to raise a daughter who offers Jesus — the real thing

 

(Beauty is being assaulted and now more than ever we need to raise women AND men who champion the REAL thing.)

 

Walking with God — Jesus is her best friend, her knight in shining armor, her hero, He will never abandon her and will walk with her through life – He will speak over her heart as she learns to listen and hear His voice — He cares about every detail of her life — from her favorite song to that man she will give her heart to — her relationship with God will be her anchor

 

Spiritual Warfare — she lives in the midst of a very real war — a battle over her heart — she has an enemy who will do all he can to convince her that she is not beautiful and that she does not have an important role to play in the larger story God is telling

 

Discipleship — she cannot journey alone — she must surround herself with people who love her and love God — people who will fight for her and with her — people who will encourage her to pursue the heart of God and the hearts of those who have not been set free — the expansion of His kingdom

 

Love — the fairy tale that she dreams of is real — she is the beauty and her prince has come for her and is coming again — God loves her — His banner over her is love and because of this, she can give love away — this is the most prized possession, the most cherished character trait — the pursuit of love is the most central purpose of life

 

This last one just makes me tear up.  Sometimes I look at Elle, just look at her and think, “If only she knew how much God loves her!”  And as I write this, I can’t help but hear God whisper to my heart the same thing.  And the tears just come.

 

Jenn

Love & War

This book is incredible and I want to encourage you to read it.  The marriage you long for is available but it is not easy to come by.  John and Stasi Eldredge offer powerful truth that will challenge the way you see yourself, your spouse and your marriage.  This book has shown me how to fight for the marriage God desires us to have and how to pray over my heart and John’s heart and against the enemy and his attempts to steal and destroy our relationship.

Rest

This week I’m still trying to stay out of self-pity and just rest in His love.  We step out of His love so quickly.  One minute we’re there, at rest in Him, and the next minute we’re consumed with our smaller story, getting things done or worrying about this and that, or feeling sorry for ourselves and the circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is crying out, “Remain in me and I will remain in you” (John 15:4).  Jesus is saying, ”Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you REST” (Matthew 11:28).  

 

This is where I want to be this week; no where else but in His love.

Advent

Advent is the period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of Jesus’ birth. 

I read the following on Stasi Eldredge’s blog (http://blog.ransomedheart.com/stasi/) this morning:   

This year seems to be on a bobsled race.  It is rushing past me at an ever increasing speed such that I can barely see what is passing.  It is Christmastime already.  Today is the first Sunday of Advent.

A young woman behind the coffee counter said to me this week that she is not looking forward to the time in her life when the holidays mean work, not joy.  Something in my earlier overwhelmed response to her had cued her in to my state of mind.  I want the holidays to mean joy too!  But honestly, my spirit was not excited about the season we are entering into but rather dreading it.

Selecting, purchasing, wrapping, mailing thoughtful, meaningful presents on a limited budget.  Decorating, baking, creating a warm holiday atmosphere…Christmas cards, letters, notes, stocking stuffers…creating space for my family to rest, catch their spiritual breath and look to Jesus…

Sadly, it doesn’t sound fun to me.  It sounds like work; a job that I don’t currently feel up to.

With my heart discouraged, I went and worshiped God and then poured out my heart to Him.  Here’s what I wrote in my journal.

“Lord, it is a lot of work and I get stressed.  Now we are entering Advent and Christmas.  And I feel such pressure.  To make it lovely, holy, meaningful, traditional, warm, safe, cozy, smell good, relaxed, happy, festive, pretty – and try to stay centered on You.  It’s kind of hard for me.

Simplify.

How?

All of it.  All of it.

(This was followed by a time of simply worshiping Him, fixing the gaze of my heart on His beauty….then…)

I love You, God.  Thank You for your faithfulness to me and mine.  I need You.  You’re lovely, holy, meaningful, warm, safe…You are everything good and wonderful and enticing and longed for about Christmas.  You are who and what we want and are trying to capture.

I want You.

You are my Christmas.”

Big breath.  Thank you Jesus.

So last night, we decorated our Christmas tree.  It’s a fun thing to do and yes, a lot of work.  But somehow last night, it wasn’t work at all.  We had the Christmas carols playing on the stereo and laughed and chatted easily as we hung our mostly precious and sometimes silly ornaments on the tree.  We were unhurried yet finished in record time and none of us was exhausted from it.

Once done, we turned off all the lights and sat together on the sofa enjoying the beauty of the tree.  Spontaneously, we began to sing along with the carols.  We were accompanied by Amy Grant, Nat King Cole, Josh Groban.  We ended with our hands lifted in worship.  Oh Praise Him!

When the songs went silent, we stayed silent as well and then began to ruminate about Jesus.  “Can you imagine what a great singing voice Jesus has?!”.  “Wouldn’t it be great if Jesus returned on Christmas?!”.  “At the wedding feast, what do you think the table will be made of?”.

Holy moments.  Not stress filled.  Just given to us from our extravagant Father who is the giver of every good gift. “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” Psalm 145:10

Simplify.  Invite the one who came.  Who is coming again.  Who is always coming to us.  Oh yes, Jesus.  Come again today.  We love you.

 

Dedication

Last night we dedicated Elle with our small group.  It was such a sweet time.  We are so blessed to have a group of friends who are committed to partnering with God in impacting our lives with truth.  

To us this dedication was a proclamation before God that Elle belongs to Him.  Since she was born, we have been giving her back to Him, but last night we wanted to do it with our small group because they are the people we do life with every week and who pray with us and for us.  We can’t do it alone and know that we have nothing to offer her on our own.  We need God to raise our daughter. 

Receiving her first Bible.

Our friends gathered around us and prayed over us.  It was beautiful.

During the week I was thinking about what scriptures to have read before the group prayed over us and Elle.  I know there are a lot of scriptures that would seem ideal for a child’s dedication, but what I kept going back to was 1 Corinthians 13.  John and I want Elle to see in us that the pursuit of love is the central purpose of life, the most cherished character trait.  “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).   

I read the following in a book, “Maybe true love begins with simply admitting — to God, to yourself, and to your child — that you don’t know how to love.” 

This rings so true in our lives.  We come up short on this most every time.  In the end the most important issue is love.  It always has been, always will be.  More than anything else, our daughter needs to know that we truly love her. 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7 and verse 13 reads as follows 

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut.

Doesn’t have a swelled head.

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. 

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.  And the best of the three is love.    

We want to thank our small group and Tim and Nicole Geisland for praying over us that God will continue to reveal to us how to best love our daughter and that we lead her in loving Him and others.

Expectant

Prayer is [] crying out day and night without seeing justice and continuing anyhow.  The danger is that in waiting so long for Jesus to answer, our unbelief bests our belief, and we stop waiting, stop hoping, stop praying, and just go on with things . . .

To pray well is to cultivate holy patience and perseverance.  It is to practice holy waiting, which means often to keep on praying in spite of the poor results.  “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength,” Isaiah says, “They shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint” (40:31 KJV). . . God intends waiting to invigorate and replenish us rather than debilitate and deplete us.   

So we wait.  Expectant.  He will show Himself.  How, when, where – we do not know – but He will show Himself.  He always comes through for His beloved.

“His banner over me is love” (Song of Songs 2:4).

Anniversary Thoughts

Recently, my life has been so much about seeing joy in the little things: Elle getting another tooth, a funny face she made, how she laughed at Lilah, being in our first home, doing yard work, painting the house.  But last week I was reminded to also see the joy in the big things: the story we find ourselves in, the legacy we will leave, the legacy our daughter will leave, and one day seeing Satan defeated and Christ on the throne. 

John and I celebrated our three-year anniversary this weekend so I’ve been thinking about my marriage and how much of a “big thing” this relationship that I choose to invest in and to fight for everyday actually is. 

I remember as a child asking my dad if he loved me more than mom.  He paused for a moment and then smiled and said, “Nope.”  I did not understand it then, but I was comforted by his answer.  The security I sensed in that moment became clear to me a few years ago when I read something John Eldredge wrote,

“Children would much rather know that their parents love each other than that they love them.” 

There is a verse in John chapter 17 that shows us a greater love that existed long before we did.  Jesus said, “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world” (vs. 24). 

We know that this Greater Love does not rest upon us but rather invites us to become a part of it.  My marriage offers Elle the same invitation.  Elle needs to know that she is just a part of something greater and bigger than herself and that our love does not rest upon her but invites her into it.